13 Things Not To Do To Avoid the TSTL Label
If you’re in the Witness Protection Program, do NOT tell your family so they can send you birthday cards. Even villains with double digit IQs will know to stake out your loved ones.
If the hero is trying to save you from a madman shooting a gun at you, do NOT slap or push him away and argue with him. Let him get your ass out of the line of fire. Afterwards, if you still feel feisty because you think your woman’s lib was violated, you can shriek like a harpy.
If you don’t know how to use a gun, do not grab one and wave it around. You might shoot the wrong person, like the man trying to save you.
If you are in protective custody because a madman is after you and you feel the need for retail therapy, shop ONLINE!
If the villain calls you and tells you he has the hero hostage and will kill him if you don’t meet him in a dark alley, do not just go running out the door. Ask for proof of life FIRST.
If you have stumbled upon the identity of the villain, do NOT fly off the handle and confront him. Run! Tell the authorities! It’s their job to apprehend these people. If you are the authorities, draw your gun, slap on the handcuffs, then tell him what a prick you think he is.
If you hear the sounds of someone breaking in, do NOT go and investigate. Grab your cell phone, run, and call for help.
After you’ve been saved from a burning building and you suddenly remember you don’t have that stuffed unicorn given to you by your one twoo wuv, do NOT go running back in and, for the love of all things shiny, do NOT send the firefighter back in.
If it’s late at night, you have no transportation home, no money for a taxi, and the hero offers you a lift, do NOT turn him down. And if you do turn him down, do NOT take a shortcut through a dark alley. I know blaming the victim is not PC, but in this case, I’d say you’d qualify for a Darwin Award.
If you are getting divorced, do NOT hire the lawyer recommended by your soon-to-be-ex-husband.
[NOTE: Okay, this one might not get you killed, but it’s still stupid.]
When going for a job interview, do NOT bring along the diary where you write down all your sexual fantasies or the whips and handcuffs you bought because you have decided to embark on a kinky sexual journey because you know they’re going to fall out of the briefcase.
[NOTE: See NOTE above.]
If you are doing a road trip to a cabin high up in the mountains during the middle of winter, please wear appropriate attire. A silk blouse and high heels might look fetching, but probably not so much if your car breaks down (and you know it will because you never bothered to get the lemon fixed because you gave all your money to charity/friend/neighbor/homeless guy down the street because you’re so martyr-like and sweet you’d give those around you sugar shock) and you’re turned into a popsicle because you decide to hoof it for 10 miles, uphill both ways.
If you are pregnant, are living on Mac ‘n’ Cheese (see reason above), and the father is a half-decent guy, do NOT proclaim that you will keep the baby a secret and raise it on your own without any financial support from the person who donated half the genetic material. Do you know how expensive a package of diapers is these days? Your pride will not clothe and feed your baby.