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TT #32: The Movie Critic

19 Nov 2008
Thursday Thirteen

Why People Don’t Watch Movies with Me

The following are comments people who’ve sat next to me in movie theatres have had to listen to.  For the record, I actually like and own eight of the movies below (guns, explosions, wisecracks…I’m pretty easy), but that doesn’t make me blind to their flaws.  Imagine the claws that come out for movies in genres I hate.

Number 1
Considering the size and proximity of those three suns, the gravitational forces would tear that planet apart. (Pitch Black)

Number 2
Why can’t people get it right? Qatar is pronounced “Qutter”! (Transformers)

Number 3
If the asteroid’s the size of Texas, those pipes should’ve floated away into space instead of bouncing repeatedly because of the weaker gravitational force. (Armageddon)

Number 4
He should be dead. You see that black stuff seeping out? The bullet hit the liver or spleen. EMS wouldn’t have gotten to him in time to save him. (The Sixth Sense)

Number 5
How does she know who’s coming up behind her to put a bullet in her head if she’s listening to her iPod? (Blade Trinity)

Number 6
Unless those leather pants are faux stretch leather, the seams should’ve split. (Charlie’s Angels)

Number 7
An alcoholic is not going to master bushido in three months. And’s he not going to become skilled enough to beat men who have been studying it since they learned to walk. (The Last Samurai)

Number 8
They’re a technologically advanced alien race. How did they not know the spaceship entering the mother ship was one that went missing over 50 years ago? Wouldn’t it look obvious? Haven’t the spaceships advanced over time?  Don’t they have some sort of electronic identification system? (Independence Day)

Number 9
The ultimate weapon of mass destruction–and its one vulnerability is exposed. Probably designed by the same engineers who thought filling a balloon with hydrogen would be a brilliant idea. (Star Wars)

Number 10
How do you build an evil overlord’s lair that’s the size of the Empire State Building without anyone taking notice? The massive amounts of materials required, the workers…and no one noticed?!? (Any James Bond movie.)

Number 11
Why would an undercover government agent leave the door open while taking off her clothes and exposing the wires strapped to her body? (Swordfish)

Number 12
You know, they could just pull the power cord instead of standing there like idiots. You can’t steal data from a server that’s not powered on. (Any hacker movie written by wannabe-geeks.)

Number 13
It could be cocaine, or it could be rat poison. Wouldn’t it be safer to test the product with a reagent instead of putting it in your mouth? (Lethal Weapon, Beverly Hills Cop, etc.)

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22 Comments leave one →
  1. 19 Nov 2008 9:29 AM

    Can I add… There’s no way an FBI agent who works cybercrimes would let her 8-year-old daughter download random games off the Internet without a) looking at them and b) having a super-duper strong anti-virus protection. (Not to mention the getting into an abandoned car that the bad guy has already hacked your OnStar without looking in the back seat. Duh.) (Untraceable).

    Um, yeah, I’m a pain in the butt to watch movies with too. 😀

  2. 19 Nov 2008 4:10 PM

    Oh I so agree with you on #6!!

    My 13 is posted…stop by and hopefully laugh once or twice with Jefé the wise ol’ lady!!

  3. 19 Nov 2008 4:44 PM

    I had to laugh at #13. When I was in police training we were told never ever to do that, even though it shows up in movies all the time. If cops did that, the bad guys would leave rat poison in plastic bags lying around and then what would happen?

    I’ve hardly seen any of those films and somehow I don’t think I’ll bother.

  4. 19 Nov 2008 5:04 PM

    Tis true, but did you get that insight the very first time you saw each of these? If so hats off to you and your astuteness.

  5. 19 Nov 2008 5:16 PM

    I’m forever saying, “what? I don’t get it”. At least my husband is tolerant! 🙂

  6. 19 Nov 2008 7:22 PM

    You are my kind of movie critic! I enjoyed this.

  7. 19 Nov 2008 7:29 PM

    LOL yup, you’d be a real riot lol Happy E13!

  8. 19 Nov 2008 8:02 PM

    OH I LOVE IT!

    I once sat through a performance of the Met’s old Aida, and kept a list of things that were wrong. I’m worse about opera than movies, but I sense a kindred annoyer!

    SJR
    The Pink Flamingo

  9. 19 Nov 2008 8:17 PM

    4 and 13 are hysterical. Great TT and have a happy one.

    My TT is up at 13 Christmas Gifts for our Muslim Friends

  10. 19 Nov 2008 8:28 PM

    Are you one of those that talk thru the whole movie?? lol…Too funny. Happy TT.

  11. 19 Nov 2008 9:22 PM

    All I can say is you have great taste in movies.

  12. 19 Nov 2008 9:52 PM

    I SO Agree with these. I noticed the same thing with Independence day.

  13. 19 Nov 2008 10:01 PM

    I don’t mind watching movies with you? let me know when? *when*

    Thursday13:WordsOfWisdom

  14. 20 Nov 2008 7:51 AM

    I would LOVE to watch a movie with you. :]

  15. 20 Nov 2008 8:38 AM

    you and i would SOOOO do well at a movie together. lol

  16. 20 Nov 2008 9:56 AM

    Those were funny…. I just take everything as they give it no matter hw believable it may or may not be.

    Great TT!!!

  17. 20 Nov 2008 1:34 PM

    aha! So you say out loud the stuff we all WANT to say out loud!?

  18. 20 Nov 2008 1:40 PM

    too funny

  19. 20 Nov 2008 5:53 PM

    @marcia@joyismygoal – Actually, yes, I did notice most of them the first time I saw the movie. When the twist of The Sixth Sense was revealed, most people were thinking “Oh!” and I said, “Aha! I was right.” At which point, the friend the next to me slid down lower in her seat.

  20. 20 Nov 2008 5:56 PM

    @topchamp – My boss despairs because I have no filter between brain and mouth.

  21. 20 Nov 2008 10:05 PM

    LOL! These are too funny! I sometimes think these things too, but I don’t say them aloud in the cinema, I say them after the movie is over.

    I hate people who talk in the cinema! =P 😉

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  1. The Not-so-deep Thoughts » No, I Will Not Watch TWILIGHT

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