By Any Other Name
or Euphemisms Gone Purple, Putrid and More
Even if you haven’t read Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet, you know the quote. I’m here, however, to tell you it does NOT apply to male genitalia. There are certain phrases used by some romance authors that, at best, make me cringe and, at worst, make my legs clamp together so tightly they may never open again.
(A special thanks to the Significant Other for doing the typing.)
It’s a Religion!
“Staff of heaven.” *eye roll*
It’s an Animal!
“Raging beast of his desire.” I keep wanting to say, “You hairy like animal!” in a Moose-and-Squirrel accent.
It’s a Plant!
“Jade stem/stalk/staff.” This phrase stems from the Chinese because they call jade the “stone of heaven.” Thus, a jade stem/stalk/staff is supposed to take you to heaven and back. Egotistical much? Personally, when human cells go green, they’re putrid. Of course, the phrase could work if you have a fetish for the Jolly Green Giant.
“Turgid shaft.” Turgid sounds like a plant disease.
“Manroot.” Mandrake keeps popping in my head. Just as mandrake is poisonous to eat, so should manroot be to read.
It’s a Weapon!
“Sword of flesh.” I blame the medieval romances.
“Man sword.” See above comment.
“Love staff.” Ditto.
It’s Not Romance, It’s Not Erotica; It’s Porn!
“Meat of his confession.” Ew. Just ew.
“Love tool.” Unless batteries are required, it’s not acceptable.
Just Say It Already!
“Tumescence.” Everytime I read that word, I expect the penis to be glowing like Dr. Manhattan’s.
“Admission of desire.” I want to say only senior citizens would use this phrase…except I know a number of romance authors in their sixties who can make me blush.
“That which made him man.” See above comment.
Just E-mailed to Me
“Purple helmeted soldier of love.” The Trojan radio ads aren’t this corny.
“Purple-headed womb ferret.” I’m sure there’s a surgical procedure to cure this one.