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TT #41: By Any Other Name

6 May 2009
Thursday Thirteen

By Any Other Name
or Euphemisms Gone Purple, Putrid and More

Even if you haven’t read Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet, you know the quote. I’m here, however, to tell you it does NOT apply to male genitalia. There are certain phrases used by some romance authors that, at best, make me cringe and, at worst, make my legs clamp together so tightly they may never open again.

(A special thanks to the Significant Other for doing the typing.)

It’s a Religion!

Number 1
Staff of heaven.” *eye roll*

It’s an Animal!

Number 2
Raging beast of his desire.” I keep wanting to say, “You hairy like animal!” in a Moose-and-Squirrel accent.

It’s a Plant!

Number 3
Jade stem/stalk/staff.” This phrase stems from the Chinese because they call jade the “stone of heaven.” Thus, a jade stem/stalk/staff is supposed to take you to heaven and back. Egotistical much? Personally, when human cells go green, they’re putrid. Of course, the phrase could work if you have a fetish for the Jolly Green Giant.

Number 4
Turgid shaft.” Turgid sounds like a plant disease.

Number 5
Manroot.” Mandrake keeps popping in my head. Just as mandrake is poisonous to eat, so should manroot be to read.

It’s a Weapon!

Number 6
Sword of flesh.” I blame the medieval romances.

Number 7
Man sword.” See above comment.

Number 8
Love staff.” Ditto.

It’s Not Romance, It’s Not Erotica; It’s Porn!

Number 9
Meat of his confession.” Ew. Just ew.

Number 10
Love tool.” Unless batteries are required, it’s not acceptable.

Just Say It Already!

Number 11
Tumescence.” Everytime I read that word, I expect the penis to be glowing like Dr. Manhattan’s.

Number 12
Admission of desire.” I want to say only senior citizens would use this phrase…except I know a number of romance authors in their sixties who can make me blush.

Number 13
That which made him man.” See above comment.

Just E-mailed to Me

Bonus 1
Purple helmeted soldier of love.” The Trojan radio ads aren’t this corny.

Bonus 2
Purple-headed womb ferret.” I’m sure there’s a surgical procedure to cure this one.

16 Comments leave one →
  1. 6 May 2009 6:38 PM

    Oh my and I always say i LOVE Shakespeare

  2. 6 May 2009 7:05 PM

    It always made me laugh in the second LOTR when one of the orcs said he could smell “man flesh” LMAO!h

  3. 6 May 2009 7:10 PM

    โ€œMeat of his confession.โ€ yeah weird. I knew there was a reason I don’t read that stuff.

  4. 6 May 2009 7:19 PM

    Hilarious! I’m liking being single right about now LOL Happy T13!

  5. 6 May 2009 7:42 PM

    Thanks for the laugh–I will say you forgot my favorite.


    I always thought–hmm, to a club?

  6. 6 May 2009 7:56 PM

    You know, I’ve seen quite a lot of euphemisms for penis, most of which I can’t remember because they’re not worth remembering. But these… wow! LOL!

  7. 6 May 2009 8:00 PM

    Funny! I like your T13 list. I’ve never really given much thought on these euphemisms until now ; )

  8. 6 May 2009 9:20 PM

    I’ve also heard it called a “member,” makes me ask member of what?

  9. 6 May 2009 10:00 PM

    I they don’t have the guts to use the actual words, they shouldn’t be writing!

  10. 7 May 2009 6:28 AM

    Ha! This is why I don’t call my book a romance, it’s a romantic comedy.

    I always like how often the women’s breasts are heaving. How do they do that, I wonder? ๐Ÿ˜‰

  11. 7 May 2009 6:41 AM

    Huh, who would think there would be so many different “names/ descriptions” for this. Happy TT!

  12. 7 May 2009 7:01 AM

    Funny list. I think I’ve seen those in a lot of books too. I think they also call it a “shaft” a lot too?

    Thanks for sharing this! Happy TT!

  13. 7 May 2009 9:27 AM

    HILARIOUS! I can’t even pick a favorite, they were all so good! ๐Ÿ™‚

  14. 7 May 2009 10:33 AM

    OMG – I have really and truly laughing out loud – in fact, I laughed so hard at first I woke Pixel up and she was resting from doing my TT for me today (I needed a day off and bribed her with cookies and a walk).

    I knew men had all sorts of names for their members but I had no idea romance writers could be as prolific – I am so still laughing!! BTW, I chatted with a guy once who’s id was “Romeo’s Pink Flamingo” or something along that line. Maybe that would be a good one for a romance novel set in Florida, lol.

    BTW, here’s Pixel’s very first official post: Hi, I’m Pixel. My TT is 13 things doggies like.

  15. 7 May 2009 12:26 PM

    OMG! I’d forgotten about those … talk about purple prose!

    Happy TT!

  16. 7 May 2009 5:02 PM

    Ew. I just remembered why I don’t read romance novels LOL! I am laughing hysterically and cringing at the same time!

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